Thursday, February 4, 2010

Unable to Match you at This Time..

I spent the evening with a couple of friends/colleagues/neighbours.. A man, and a woman.. Both divorced, both older than I am, and both down-to-earth real people..

Somehow the conversation turned into marriage and relationships, and I, yet again, expressed my desire of getting married, having my big wedding, and starting my own family.. And my friend said I should check

He said he had heard a lot of successful stories through this website, and that in this time it is normal to seek dating websites since our life pace is too fast. It wouldn't have been the first time for me to try them, and although most dating websites are blocked in this country, I tried logging in as soon as I walked back into my apartment.

To my pleasant surprise, it was unblocked! All I had to was to answer 500 questions about myself, and the site would see if there matches for me. If there are, I would have to pay the fees, and find the man of my dreams.

So I answered the 500 questions. And I got the below message:

Eharmony is unable to match you at this time. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of our users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service (SIMPLY!!) We hope you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.

Ironically, answering the question about what countries would I like to choose my man of dreams from, I answered: Any country in the world. So in this whole big wide world, there is no man that matches me.

It is depressing.. I didn't need anyone to remind me about how difficult that is already.

I should call it a day. A long tiring one..

Self Abuse

So I started seeing Majid, when I felt a slight hint of pursuing.. I didn't stop at the fact that he's married, even expecting a child, or that he works with, and that it will get awkward when it would be over.. because, of course, I knew it would be over even before it started..

But the fact is, I have always missed the 'being pursued' bit, actually, I never had it.. In all the disastrous relationships that I have had in my life so far, I was always the one pursuing the men I like, and unsurprisingly, always the one being dumped at the end.. It's my routine..

And now, Majid had dumped me.. It hurts less, because I don't love him.. Actually, it made me feel a bit uncomfortable when he said he loved me one night not long ago, because I knew he was lying. He probably thought that by saying it he'll make me feel better about myself about being with a married man, and I probably said I loved him too for the same reason..

And since his wife is expecting his child any minute now, he had left the city to be with her, to hold her hand through this time, to take her on walks every day, to make her feel comfortable and secure and loved and wanted.. All the things I wanted in my life, and never got..

I wasn't always as nasty or as mean.. There was a point in time when I was a better person, and loved myself more..

It probably was that time when I believed truly that I am going to get certain things in my life, that I had the right to them.. At that time, if anyone would have told me I wouldn't, eventually, I would've either laughed it off or thought they were just being mean..

It was before all the anger and the hurt and the shocks of how cruel some people are and what they are capable of doing to other people's lives.. It was before Etienne, it was before Raed, it was before I had my first night with a man.. Back in the days when I still felt shy and self conscious about my body..

So, coming back to Majid.. I pushed him to dump me.. I planned it, and followed the plan carefully until he did.. Because I knew I wouldn't dump him myself. And not because I loved him, but because I never dumped anyone. I enjoy the feeling of being wanted, in any way, that it blinds me. If he, or any other man, would treat me like dirt, then kiss me hungrily, I would be satisfied. Just because I get the feeling of being wanted in that kiss.

I sound very cheap saying this.. And maybe I am so cheap. I have lost the ability to value myself or anything in my life at this stage.

I can't even feel God anymore..

I just want to learn to love myself again. To do good things to Salma. To look after her and accept her the way she is.. To be a bit softer with her..

Trust me.. I will always be there, even when no one else will.

My introduction to my new safe haven

I had initially started a blog which I have come to love & look after like a mother does to a baby child.. Yet, I was too aware that there are certain people checking it, which stopped me from writing there as freely or as spontanously as I would have loved to..

So, I decided, two would be better than one.. This one is dedicated to the real Salma, the one in my head, with whom I have arguments and debates, the one I love and hate, the one I make resolutions for everyday, keep some and forget about the most.. That Salma deserves a moment of truth. A place where she can list down her real thoughts, and fears and secret passions and needs. Here, I want to be able to write freely, to express myself completely, to be honest to myself in every single thing I say. I don't want to be bothered about who's reading what, I don't want to impress anyone, nor be scared someone won't like me enough..

Here, I'm going to get to know myself all over again.

Dare I get to know myself?