Self Abuse

So I started seeing Majid, when I felt a slight hint of pursuing.. I didn't stop at the fact that he's married, even expecting a child, or that he works with, and that it will get awkward when it would be over.. because, of course, I knew it would be over even before it started..

But the fact is, I have always missed the 'being pursued' bit, actually, I never had it.. In all the disastrous relationships that I have had in my life so far, I was always the one pursuing the men I like, and unsurprisingly, always the one being dumped at the end.. It's my routine..

And now, Majid had dumped me.. It hurts less, because I don't love him.. Actually, it made me feel a bit uncomfortable when he said he loved me one night not long ago, because I knew he was lying. He probably thought that by saying it he'll make me feel better about myself about being with a married man, and I probably said I loved him too for the same reason..

And since his wife is expecting his child any minute now, he had left the city to be with her, to hold her hand through this time, to take her on walks every day, to make her feel comfortable and secure and loved and wanted.. All the things I wanted in my life, and never got..

I wasn't always as nasty or as mean.. There was a point in time when I was a better person, and loved myself more..

It probably was that time when I believed truly that I am going to get certain things in my life, that I had the right to them.. At that time, if anyone would have told me I wouldn't, eventually, I would've either laughed it off or thought they were just being mean..

It was before all the anger and the hurt and the shocks of how cruel some people are and what they are capable of doing to other people's lives.. It was before Etienne, it was before Raed, it was before I had my first night with a man.. Back in the days when I still felt shy and self conscious about my body..

So, coming back to Majid.. I pushed him to dump me.. I planned it, and followed the plan carefully until he did.. Because I knew I wouldn't dump him myself. And not because I loved him, but because I never dumped anyone. I enjoy the feeling of being wanted, in any way, that it blinds me. If he, or any other man, would treat me like dirt, then kiss me hungrily, I would be satisfied. Just because I get the feeling of being wanted in that kiss.

I sound very cheap saying this.. And maybe I am so cheap. I have lost the ability to value myself or anything in my life at this stage.

I can't even feel God anymore..

I just want to learn to love myself again. To do good things to Salma. To look after her and accept her the way she is.. To be a bit softer with her..

Trust me.. I will always be there, even when no one else will.